You may be thinking many confusing thoughts and feeling lots of different emotions. All that you think and feel about the person who has died or is going to die is called grief.
This section is intended to give you some information about grief – but don’t worry if you read it and think “Well, I am not feeling any of those things”. Some feelings and thoughts are common but you are an individual and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
the most important part is to be as you are and ask for help if you need it. you can contact your GP or Childline on 0800 11 11 for some immediate support. The Childline website has more information and some useful message boards where you can share experiences with other young people in similar situations.
There are certain times that you know are going to be difficult, such as anniversaries or birthdays and to some extent you can ‘prepare’ for them – either on your own or with someone else, So for example, you could work out a plan to visit your special place to remember with other family members.
Whereas at other times something ‘hits’ you out of the blue – a smell of perfume as you pass someone on the street, or music playing in a shop, visiting a relative you haven’t seen for a long time and seeing a photograph you’ve never seen before. You can’t prepare for these unexpected feelings of grief and might make you feel like you have had a setback. But this is all part of the grieving process.
There is no set time for how long we grieve after someone has died. It can depend on many things. However, it is unusual for our grief feelings to stay the same. They change over time just as we change, but this is not the same as forgetting the person who died. Sometimes we can be worried that if we stop feeling like this then we will forget the person, that doesn’t happen, it’s just that remembering them can become less painful. Sometimes, though, new situations in our lives can make us remember that they are not here anymore and this can cause new and unexpected feelings. These, too, will change and pass in time.
Grief is our response to loss. It is the normal, natural and inevitable response to loss and it can affect every part of our life, but it is varied and different for different people.
Many people say that they were unprepared for the overwhelming strength of their reactions. We may experience intense feelings such as sadness, anger, anxiety, disbelief, panic, guilt, regret, relief or even numbness.
It can also affect our thinking, so that we may think we will never get over this, or we may think we are going crazy. We may think that this is all too hard and wish we were with the person who has died. This does not usually mean that we will take active steps to end our life, but can simply be an expression of our pain and sadness. Sometimes grief can cause difficulty in sleeping and can lead to physical symptoms. If these symptoms persist, check with your doctor to exclude other causes
Everyone grieves in his or her own way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people do not show their grief in public, but only express it in private. We do not always know how people are grieving simply by what we see. Some people are open and expressive with their grief, crying, and wanting to talk, whilst others are more private and may be reluctant to talk and prefer to keep busy.
Men and women may grieve differently even in the same families, but it is important to respect each other’s way of grieving.
Grief can be a significant cause of stress on relationships within families as everyone tries to come to terms with what has happened in their own way.
It is not unusual for people to have “extraordinary experiences” such as dreams of their loved one or to have a sense of their presence. Mostly these are comforting and help us to feel close to the person who has died.
The love you have for someone does not die just because they have died. Keeping a continuing bond with your loved ones in some way can be very helpful and comforting. People sometimes worry that if they let go of their grief they will forget or lose their connection with their loved one, this is not the case. Finding ways to make meaningful memories of the person can help alleviate this fear.
Many people say that grief is like a journey with many pathways and turnings. Here are some suggestions about how to get through some of the difficult times.
On your own
You may sometimes prefer to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.
Try to defer major decisions that cannot be reversed for 6-12 months, e.g. disposing of belongings
Keep a diary or journal
Create a memorial – do or make something to honour your loved one
Develop your own rituals – light a candle, listen to special music, make a special place to think
Allowing yourself to express your thoughts and feelings privately can help. Write a letter or a poem, draw, collect photos, cry…
Exercise – do something to use pent-up energy, walk, swim, garden, chop wood
Draw on religious and spiritual beliefs if this is helpful
Read about other people’s experience – find books and articles
Do things that are relaxing and soothing
Some holistic or self-care ideas that may assist include meditation, distractions, relaxation, massage, aromatherapy and warmth
To help with sleeplessness: exercise, limit alcohol, eat well before sleeping, and try to have a routine.
With other people
Sharing with other people can reduce the sense of isolation and aloneness that comes with grief.
Allow people to help you. This can be difficult but you will be able to help someone else at another time. It is your turn now.
Talk to family and friends; sharing memories and stories, thoughts and feelings can be comforting and strengthen our connection with our loved one
Consider joining a support group to share with others who have had similar experiences
Take opportunities to join in public ceremonies where you can be private, yet part of a larger group
Use rituals and customs that are meaningful to you
Think about finding professional help by contacting your GP or Cruse to see what is available in your area. This can be helpful especially when either your life or your grief seems to be complicated and particularly difficult.
Although grief can be very painful, most people find that with good support of their family and friends and their own resources, they gradually find ways to learn to live with their loss, and they do not need to seek professional help. However, this is not always the case for all people.
Sometimes the circumstances of the death may have been particularly distressing, such as a traumatic or sudden death, or there may be circumstances in your life which make your grief particularly acute or complicated. You could consider seeking professional help if –
You do not have people who can listen to you and care for you.
You find yourself unable to manage the tasks of your daily life, such as going to work or caring for your children.
Your personal relationships are being seriously affected
You have persistent thoughts of harm to yourself or anyone else.
You persistently overuse alcohol or other drugs.
You experience panic attacks or other serious anxiety or depression.
Over time you remain preoccupied and acutely distressed by your grief.
You feel that for whatever reason, you need help to get through this experience.
If any of the above apply to you, please do not hesitate to contact your GP or Cruse Bereavement Care. Their website has more helpful advice.